The reason I would die for

It started as a dream,
a dream which kept me alive,
I wandered though the miseries of life,
in pursuit of happiness,
in search of you…

You are my unfulfilled prophesy,
you are all  what I had, what I cared for
the reason to live for…
the reason to die for.

Words are caught in my own breath,
drowned in my own feelings,
you keep me floating,
the longing to be together keeps me going.
http://zoomview.blogspot.com/2009/08/reason-i-would-die-for.html

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Love can make the imperfect perfect

Last day I had a discussion about love with one of my good friends. I thought I will post few ideas here 🙂

Why do we think much before falling in love? People make many calculations… Whether the girl is rich / beautiful or working in MNC and whether the guy is rich/handsome/ well established… I mean exceptions do happen but People try to eliminate -ve factors as much as possible.

When I was this question, I didn’t have any ready made answers but in a matter of around 30 minutes I wrote down few things. You all will have different views about them but this is what I wrote.

Do we consider all the factors? People look all these for marriage but love its different something divine… does it happen it that way????? I am not sure  I know it happens just like that, you don’t have any control over it , rest of the things are compromises , an adjustment that’s all . They think its love but I don’t think 🙂

Yep I am naïve but that’s what I am, that’s the way I think. Very few understand this pure language & may be that’s why I am week in heart but I still have faith in my ideas.

Love doesn’t demand anything, you cannot control it, and you cannot say that from this day onwards I will love or from this day onwards I will stop loving. It’s free like the air we breathe, flowing ….. Without any bounds, any control, raising our souls to the divinity.

Love doesn’t mean that you have to be with the person you love. Even if you are miles apart, even if you are dead the love flows, it’s un-breakable.

This is universal like lord Buddha said about the mother loves for her child. The sacrifice, the pain made for it.

Love has tremendous power. I know I can write better poems, I can write better code, I can train people in much better way I can do a lot of things which many haven’t even dreamed of .. Maybe I only require some inspiration some love which could power me for the rest of my life. If you have read the poems of Yeats or Rabindranath Tagore you will find the intensity of their love it. Tagore was one of the finest romantic poets ever.

If you have read tempest by the wizard of oz, you will know that it is the heart that matters. In that story our young heroine Miranda falls in love with Ferdinand. Her father said that he is not beautiful when compared to other human beings, ( they were staying in an island without any contact with other human beings .. good story read it when you get time), but she said that if Ferdinand is ugly then she don’t want to see others,  just him 🙂

That what love does. Makes everything perfect & I believe it has the power to transform anything, overcome all the odds. Why should I say more, history has proved it many times?

Can u hold romantic love forever? Sometimes it may visit for few minutes, 1 day, few weeks or maybe for entire life. We should thank god for that short period. Yep we will be sad after that but don’t you think that short period can give u energy to last an entire life? We worry about the things we lost & forget about the joy experienced when we were together. The negative thoughts overshadow the good ones & it becomes a pain rather than the fire to keep us warm.

(Now u will think that I am mad  … not really just lost few nuts: D)

Most memorable moments of my life may last for few minutes , or days & I may be sad after that but I think I can continue my life with that green picture in my mind , I wont regret it.

Take the possibility that I will fall madly in love with someone but due to some sheer bad luck we can’t live together. I might have spent few good moments may be few hrs, few days or weeks but I will cherish that moments for rest of my life & it will be the fire power to keep me warm. I won’t feel bad because I heard my heart & did what was right and I won’t regret it @ death bed. Mostly we regret the things which we didn’t rather than the things we did.

When we lose some people give their life but they are cowards. They are fools, God has sent us down with some designs & I believe we have to fulfill it. I am not a coward & don’t believe in ending ones life.

Slowly I am also learning to appreciate what I have & live every moment of life without hurting others.

I can still write pages about sacrifice, pure love & all those things hmmm let me stop. For the time being this is sufficient.

http://zoomview.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-can-make-imperfect-perfect.html

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Lonliness

Now it is Loneliness who comes at night
Instead of Sleep, to sit beside my bed.
Like a tired child I lie and wait her tread,
I watch her softly blowing out the light.
Motionless sitting, neither left or right
She turns, and weary, weary droops her head.
She, too, is old; she, too, has fought the fight.
So, with the laurel she is garlanded.

http://zoomview.blogspot.com/2009/03/lonliness.html

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My last smile

The sky was dark, stars were fading
streets were empty,
lamps were dim

Orion was slain again
Wounded Sagittarius was lost in deep forest
Down below Leo was breathing his last.

A thunder was brewing up in the sky,
the sea was stirring,
the volcanoes fuming

The southern wind swirled over me,
trying to say something
It brought me muffled voices, broken words

Tinctured breeze played the eternal note of sadness
I walked, North Star guiding me,
Southern wind leading me.

Familiar faces, friends, colleagues, relatives
They have grown old, so fast
Prayer, worry & fear were in their eyes.

Between them lay, a human form
Aged and motionless,
with scars of a lonely sailor at rough sea.

Air, Water, Earth, Fire & Sky stood still
Sea and volcanoes stood in abyss
Nobody moved, nothing stirred

Like a lightening it came,
the last flash of life, the smile on his face
a smile full of life, love & hope.

It was a familiar smile
Alas. I recognized it
It was my smile

Yes the smile!!! Once forgotten smile,
the smile of love…the smile of hope
But for whom did I smile last???

The last smile was for thee
The last cry was for thee
I was born for thee

Thou was my destiny,
thou was my salvation
Now I’m dying for thee

Death came riding the tide
swept away the last sign of life
but the smile remained ,
the last smile to grave,
the last smile for thee…

—Abhilash

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How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints.  I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life;  and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

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Eyes tell, tell me, what you tell me,

A lot of meaning in this line from Goethe ,spiritual & otherwise, i thought i will share this, immerse youself in the beauty of these lines

—————————————————-

April

Eyes tell, tell me, what you tell me,

telling something all too sweet,

making music out of beauty,

with a question hidden deep.

Still I think I know your meaning,

there behind your pupils’ brightness,

love and truth are your heart’s lightness,

that, instead of its own gleaming,

would so truly like to greet,

in a world of dullness, blindness,

one true look of human kindness,

where two kindred spirits meet.

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When you smile – my version

I know you all need an explanation for my version of the poem. So please read till end.

I had tried to fuse two different threads and very few understood that. As one of my friends said it is a poem of love and purity. Even though intense feelings are hidden between the lines it requires a pure heart to enjoy & understand the poem. Thanks dear for this good feedback. Rest of them were in a confused state. After reading my poem one of my friends, who is like my elder sister came running towards me with fists closed. Really I wouldn’t have survived that hit.

I will quote one feedback from my friend (she is a poet herself much better than me)”Our protagonist was waiting for her. His dream was a mirage running away. Then one day he saw a beautiful smile. He was swept over by it. Then he realized that the smile has vanished. But his admiration was so pure that he saw divinity in the smile (I have seen the divinity smile). She became an angel for him (They say you are an angel).Rather than crying he thanks Mother Nature for the wonderful creation of hers (Oh mother nature, You have shown me your divine form). His admiration transforms to devotion (a new world, a new transformation). He finds a path to reach God.

You have portrayed the idea of contentment (I am happy, I am content, I am at peace). It was beautifully written with so many ideas woven into it. Overall a great read. I will give 8/10”

Another idea, which didn’t go well with many, is of a child who sees his mother all around and yearns to be with her again.

I have written much serious stuff in my blog, some of them have generated enough debate. But this was the first time my poem was under so much scrutiny. I think I should stop asking feedback at least for the sake of my healthJ.

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When you smile

You run away when you see me
leaving more questions than answers
I would run to you but I am stuck
Like an idiot, I wonder
Like a fool, I act

With your smile,
It’s amazing how you light up my lonely soul
Scattering the beauty of pure joy, around me
The sudden rise and slow relapse of your brows
little dimples, long eyelashes…

Oh dear, your sweet smile makes me light
I was drown in your brown eyes
lost in your beautiful hair,
whelmed by the beauty of your dimples.

When you smile, my voice chokes
Body shivers, my mind stops
Every night I can’t sleep
I keep thinking of your smile.
I was waiting so long for you

I was woken from the deep sleep
Half asleep, half awake.
I wondered at my good luck
I have seen it
With a terrible joy, I realized
Deep within from my soul, so pure and beautiful
I have seen the divinity smile

They say you are an angel
Pure and fair
Quite and shy
Warm and happy

I sang in my wilderness
In praise of the divine creation
O-reckless free heart, I sang the song of my life.
Your smile liberated me from my misery

Oh mother nature,
You have shown me your divine form
Which I longed to see before I came back to you.
I prayed, I waited and now I have seen you,
a form to worship in this formless world,
a soul to worship in this soulless world.

In your sparkling smile the world grows
a new world, a new transformation.
In a smile more beautiful than the morning sun,
more sweet than the purest honey,
more pure than the mist,
more gentle than the wind in summer.

I am happy
I am content
I am at peace
Because I have seen you smile……

Mother, I can come back to you
Because I have seen your divine form….

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Notebook…when i cried

Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

It will tear a hole in my heart… I will cry. These were the warnings. Hole in my heart!!! That would be the biggest news for all my friends from school, college and all those who knew me.
I had doubts, when my friend suggested this book saying that if I write a story about my life it would be something similar. We had a bet. Now who won? Well that’s the story.

A copy for me was sent across oceans. Last lazy Sunday afternoon, I started reading this story of two people who were destined to be together till eternity. This was one of the most poignant and compelling stories I have ever read.

Like a symphony from the master, the story develops and casts an irresistible spell.

Two teenagers from opposite sides of the tracks fall in love. Spending one idyllic summer together in the small town of New Bern, Noah Calhoun and Allie Nelson do not meet again for 14 years. Noah has returned from WWII to restore the house of his dreams, having inherited a large sum of money. Allie was engaged to powerful attorney Lon Hammond, who she cared a lot. Lon was also a nice man who loved Allie deeply. When she reads a newspaper story about Noah’s restoration project, she shows up on his porch step, re-entering his life for two days. Will Allie choose Lon or Noah? Who are the two old people? Read and discover.

I can spill the beans here but I will not. By the time I finished I could find my cheeks wet and I knew that I had lost the bet. I was planning to read this book while traveling on Sunday during my 10 hour journey. Due to some critical work at office I slept very late on Saturday (or Sunday morning) and so it saved me from some blushes in a public place.  It is a one night read story. The language is simple with no complex twists or sub-plots. It is the simplicity which I liked the most. It will evoke so many different emotions as you continue to read. It is worth reading.

Now why would somebody have a bet with me? This story goes back almost a decade. (I have just started writing. I don’t know the climax. Even I am not sure whether anybody will publish it or not but maybe after another decade it may be the best seller:) , might be another notebook or wings of fire). It was a debate where young teenagers like me were airing their views on love in digital age. When my turn came I narrated a story almost similar. I lost narrowly (got the second place). But I believed every word I said. It was possible to keep the mind and body pure for one. It is difficult but not impossible.

Notebook also portrays the purity, simplicity and truthfulness. For being happy you don’t need enormous wealth. It is the few other wonders like books, music and such small things which are more precious. This is a story, which almost everybody wants in their life, but is afraid to work for it, ask for it.

So friends get a copy for yourself, you will read it again.

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My Confessions – Sorry Friend

I’m sorry for hurting you,
I’m sorry for making you cry,
I’m sorry i didn’t realize why I didn’t sleep for days,
Now I know because I hurt you.

I must be a fool,
To have hurt my friend, who has been nothing but kind!
I only wanted the best for you, within your life;
I thought I had the solution,
But it seems that I was wrong.

I never meant to make you feel, like I’ve cut you with a knife!
It was my mistake,
I opened up completely to you,
Something I NEVER, EVER do again to anyone!

I never thought that the DEVIL, could possibly win!
I had kept him at bay for quarter of century, I thought I won
But alas!!! I lost the battle of life.
I was carried over by his worldly charm

Now a “TRUE” friend, I have really lost!?
I will never see you again,
Lest, my eyes betray me again
I have closed my eyes forever.
May be it is better to be blind.

God, I have broken my promise,
I had promised,
That I would never hurt anyone
Even if I am hurt, injured or dead

But my Magical Angel I promise,
I will never hurt anyone again
I will never do the silly thing I did to you
I will never, never, never.

When I look back, I don’t know where I erred
When I look around, I see people with more sins happy.
But I can’t live with my soul tainted
Forgive me, I have sinned.

I am an illusion, fading away
A broken twig, swaying in the wind,
A chariot with a broken wheel
You deserve a better place.

I have prayed for you
I have asked, God
to give you my share of happiness, if any
to give me your share of sorrows and worries
I have prayed for victory against devil.

– Abhi

(I know this doesn’t sounds great may be like someone playing Elvis on a broken guitar, There is 5 more confessions to my dad, mom, sister, God and at last to myself, yes it’s an epic, another new year resolution)

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I am alone

The heart beat is slow

my eyes are weak

the future is bleak

its dark everywhere

i cant see my future

its crises everywhere

The journey is big

its frightening

i am alone

no body to depend on

no body with whom i could play

i could cry

i could laugh

no body

with whom i could share my success

with whom i could share my dreams

alas

I am alone

walking ….

crying….

not a single hand to give me support…

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A visit to dome of love

This was an evening which will remain in my memory for a long time. It was a day of candle visit. It was an evening which I spent with few sweet angles sent from heaven smiling, singling and playing. It was an evening when I didn’t think about PD, efforts, task or Paulo Coelho or any body but only pure love.

I almost forgot about the candle visit. After weeks (or months) I was planning to go home early. Somebody reminded me about the visit. We a group of around 13 people set for the rendezvous. We reached Swanthanam Orphanage by 6:30. The angles at Swanthanam were having their daily prayer. We waited outside, I could spot smile on many faces when they saw us. For a moment I also closed my eyes joining them in their prayer.

After the prayer the children joined us. We had sweets for them. We gave it the “Chechi” for distribution. The moment I entered the hall Silpa caught me and complained that I didn’t keep my promise. (Actually I had promised them that I would visit them few months back but I couldn’t). Again they complained that we didn’t bring all those Chechis (big sisters) from our company. I said I will bring them next time (another promiseJ).

There were a lot of new faces. I couldn’t re-collect the names of many but almost everybody remembered mine. They are just like any other children only staying with such a big family. We had a small concert with Rebin and me representing IBS. It was a competition. The result was written on wall we lost miserably. We heard stories of their school and all the adventures they had. My story was simple (now don’t ask me for that it not so complex, quite simple). Like Airtel Ad “Dil Ki Baath” We talked the language of heart breaking the boundaries. Ammu & her small gang want me to lift them. It was a good exercise for my hand. Almost everybody was busy with these restless bundles of joy. Renu had three children on her lap always. She was practicing very hardJ.

There is a lot to write but I am stopping myself with a promise and belief that I will pen many such events.

When we compare our life with these children we know how fortunate we are. They were happy that we visited them. They were happy with what God gave them. They didn’t complain but only had a strong desire to live the life to full. May be I should (rather we all) learn something from them.

If I had missed this trip I would have missed one of the brightest evenings of my life. Today I slept with a smile on my lips and peace in my heart.

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Chasing Liberty: The Freedom of Love

I will recommend this movie (Chasing Liberty) to anybody. Today I was supposed to go to my usual music practice. Today morning before jumping out with my guitar, I thought I will spend half an hour in front of TV and watch some thing, Bingo!!! I saw this. Forget about the music class, I sat there watching the movie without a break.

This is such cute & wonderful movie. This is a unique, one-of-a-kind feel good movie.
Mandy Moore again astonishes me with her flawless acting. She’s irresistible. I don’t believe in miracles certainly not in love. But I would admit that this has again brought me back to the level of normal human being. I thought I was a robot. It gave a break from the mechanic, well scheduled life of mine. I would rate “Walk to remember” more than “Chasing liberty” but then this is worth watching couple of times. It is a collector’s item even if you are not a fan of Mandy Moore.

After all love is worth the freedom, the freedom to express, the freedom to decide and of course the freedom to love.

Watch this movie whenever you can especially when you feel bored with the life running along & with the clock. It might not improve your life but can certainly bring a good smile on your lips and in your heart.

Plot
Anna Foster (Mandy Moore) has never had an ordinary life. At eighteen years old, she is the most protected girl in America; she is the First Daughter. Frustrated with her overprotective father, the President of the United States of America (Mark Harmon), Anna makes a deal with him: only two agents are allowed to guard her while she attends a concert in Prague. When her father backs out of his promise, Anna flies into a temper and goes on the run with Ben Calder (Matthew Goode), a handsome photographer she runs into outside of the music club. They travel together with the intention of going to the Love Parade in Berlin. Anna hasn’t told Ben who she is but more importantly, Ben hasn’t told her who he is. Under the orders of Anna’s father, Ben is supposed to keep an eye on the rebellious girl but falling in love with her wasn’t something he expected to do. Romance blossoms between the wild, sassy Anna and the cool, distant Ben as they backpack through Europe.

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A night for exploring the meaning of Love

It’s another boring and dead weekend. I could understand the real meaning of shaans song.
tanha dil, tanha safar
dhunde tujhe phir kyun nazar
aankhon mein sapne liye
ghar se hum chal toh diye
jaane yeh raahe abb le jaayengi kahaan
mitti ki khushbu aaye
palkon pe aansu laaye
palkon pe reh jaayega yaadon ka jahaan
manjil nayi hain
anjaana hai kaarava
chalna akele hai yahaan

Shirlz adviced me spend some time with sis. Unfortunately she also not here. Shirlz really another original masterpiece (or malfunctioning). She keeps on giving me all those advice. Poor girl she got stuck with her java certifications.

But thanks to Kush I got something to think about other than the codes this weekend. Well I saw a walk to remember. Saw it on Saturday morning 12:30 am. Next two hours I was in a dream world. I felt I was a character in the film. I don’t know how & why I liked this film so much. May be I was watching one after so long or may be I was watching, understanding the tender bond of love with the protagonists. I would recommend it to anybody. Sandy also wanted the CD. If I am not late tomorrow I will give her.

I can’t explain the voyage, I took for that two hours. I would describe that as a voyage of high emotions. The pure love touched my heart. I asked myself whether I would be able to do something similar. Hmmmmmm I should be able to do that if required. Living for one love and dying for one love wow so great. So romantic, so sweet but too strong. We need the mental courage and strong willpower to do so. Nobody can decide on this it has to happen automatically. We need a pure heart to appreciate that. Why society is against this most of times I don’t know. I simply can’t understand. Maybe they are trying to guard against all the new generation one minute love. Now days you find the use and throw system of love. You break with one and the next moment you are with another or may be it’s already in shifts. Most of them are pure fantasies. The pure love is becoming a rare breed almost on extinction. Love should be feeling like the warm air around us giving us life. We can feel it but cannot touch it. Love never demands anything just empowers us to bring the best in us. I believe it should happen only once in a lifetime. Quoting Landon from A walk to remember “Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful.”

The full version from Bible I Corinthians 13:4-7, TLB.
“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

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A Walk to Remember …the miracle of love

As usual it was an ordinary day. I wanted a break from the daily schedule. I made plans to do a jungle safari. Not to Africa somewhere in forests of Wayanad or idukki. Was excited about the trip but nobody volunteered to come with me

I can’t say nobody Kush said he will join me wherever I go at last I am not alone at least one person 🙂 there for me.
I should have said a lot of things to few people but then the clouds of indecision still hanging over my head.

But that was not the highlight. Went to kushy’s place. We had Ghee roast dosa together. Talked about our future. He was ready to kill me. He complains that I am not a human with normal feelings. In fact I don’t have any feelings!!! Well certainly not

He suggested that I watch “A Walk to Remember”. He even transferred few soundtracks from his mobile.

The review of the movie left me in tears. Can this happen in real life or is this only in reel life. Don’t know. Can anyone love like this? May be this still happens in this world. A love which uplifts you, envelopes you with the happiness and empowers you even when you know that it’s going to end soon. Well that what i say To love when it can be lost….
Plot (from wikipedia)

When a prank on a fellow high-school student goes wrong, popular but rebellious Landon Carter (Shane West) is threatened with expulsion. His punishment is mandatory participation in various after-school activities, such as tutoring disadvantaged children and performing in the drama club’s spring musical. At these functions he is forced to interact with quiet, bookish Jamie Sullivan (Mandy Moore), a girl he has known for many years but with whom he has rarely ever spoken. Their differing social statures leave them worlds apart, despite their close physical proximity.

When Landon has trouble learning his lines, he asks Jamie for help. She agrees to help him if he promises not to fall in love with her. Landon laughs off the strange remark, believing Jamie to be the last person with whom he would ever fall in love. After all, Landon has access to the prettiest and most popular girls in town; and between her shy demeanor and old-fashioned wardrobe, Jamie doesn’t exactly fall into that category.

Landon and Jamie begin practicing together at her house after school. The two form a tentative friendship, and Landon learns that Jamie has a wish list of all the things she hopes to do in her life, such as getting a tattoo and being in two places at once. One day, Jamie approaches Landon at his locker, where he is hanging out with some of his friends. When Jamie asks Landon if they are still on for practice that afternoon he smirks “In your dreams”. His friends laugh and Landon’s smirk falters as Jamie’s face fills with betrayal and embarrassment. That afternoon Landon arrives at Jamie’s house, hoping that Jamie will still agree to help him. But she refuses to open the door. When she eventually does, she sarcastically remarks that they can be “secret friends”. She slams the door in his face when he agrees. Landon eventually learns the script by himself.

During the play, Jamie astounds Landon and the entire audience with her beauty and voice. Landon kisses Jamie during the play, which was not in the script, and Landon tries to get close to Jamie, but she repeatedly rejects him. It is only after a mean joke played on Jamie by Landon’s friends that Jamie agrees to get to know Landon, and the two pursue a relationship. He takes her out to dinner and dances with her, something he never did for anyone else. When he discovers that Jamie has a wish list, he sets out to help her accomplish them. One memorable date had Landon taking Jamie to the state line. He excitedly positions her on the line in just the right way, and when Jamie asks him what he’s doing he tells her “You’re in two places at once”. Her face lights up with joy, as she realizes that Landon set out to make her impossible dreams come true.

Jamie finally tells Landon that she has terminal leukemia and has stopped responding to treatments. As Jamie is hospitalized, Landon fulfills various wishes on Jamie’s list, such as building her a telescope so she can see a comet. Through this process, Landon and Jamie learn more about the nature of love. The movie ends with Jamie’s death, but only after the couple are married in the same chapel as was Jamie’s deceased mother, the event that topped Jamie’s wish list. Landon himself becomes a better person through Jamie’s memory, achieving the goals that he set out to do, like she did.

Four years later, Landon visits Jamie’s father. It is obvious that Jamie helped him to focus and become a better person. For example, he reveals he has finished college and been accepted to medical school; prior to meeting her he had no plans for life after high school. He tells Jamie’s father that he is sorry he could not grant Jamie’s wish to witness “a miracle” before she died. Her father says “She did. It was you”.

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